Lonely or Worthy
By: Kara Gilsenan
I thought it was just me. There are times (fewer these days but still times) when I feel so alone. Like, no one gets me, no one understands the pressure I feel. How heavy my life can get. How painful my thoughts can be. How long the nights are when I can’t sleep or how draining the days can be when I feel like it’s all on me…so much to do and not enough time. So overwhelmed. And so alone.
I thought it was just me because I have some pretty thick walls around my heart. I keep people at a comfortable distance. I love making friends and having friends but there’s a part of me that’s like “we can be close but not too close; cause if you get to know me too well you won’t like me anymore…I’ve got stuff…stuff you won’t understand and you’ll leave me like all the others.” So, I thought it was because I don’t always know how to let people in…
I thought it was just me.
But, lately, I’ve been hearing similar bits of these private thoughts of mine in the stories my clients tell and in conversations with my girlfriends and other moms I talk to…stories that resonate with this feeling of loneliness. This overwhelming pressure of everything that we deal with, struggle with, persevere through…all of the roles we play, all the jobs we do, all of the tasks and lists and balls we juggle and that it’s ALL ON US…if we blink or pause for a second too long then it all comes crashing down. It’s up to us and no one understands the pressure and no one knows how exhausting it is for us sometimes to wake up each morning and put on a brave face and try to do it all even though a part of us knows it’s not even possible…not even possible to complete our to do lists and to meet everyone else’s needs. Forget taking care of ourselves! We talk a good game about self-care but who really has time for that and what does that even look like anyway??
Can you relate to this? That even though we have so many conversations about how stressed we are and exhausted life can be and how we’re all failing at one thing or another…we try to relate to one another but even after those conversations we walk away and deep down we’re thinking “yeah, but you don’t really understand what a failure at life I am…”
As someone who has done a lot of self-improvement work over the years I can say that I won’t actually think this to myself (although I’m sure many do) but I will still feel a sense of it deep down…this knowing that no one really understands…like “Yeah, you say we struggle with the same things, but you can’t possibly suck at this life thing as bad as I do!”
And don’t we just love to blame that on someone? Our parents for not helping us more or raising us better, our spouses for not helping out more (I mean, I NEVER do this!!), our kids for not behaving better and doing what we ask, the traffic, the weather, the media…endless causes for our pain and suffering…making it so much harder to do and be everything we need to do and be!
But, here’s the thing…if we could stop judging OURSELVES so harshly…we wouldn’t be feeling so alone.
And we have to stop judging each other because it’s only a reflection of where we’re judging ourselves (another topic for another day).
The real problem isn’t that we’re alone in our pain…It’s that we THINK we’re alone because we’re not connected to ourselves in a way that is loving, compassionate and real. Once we realize that self-love and self-acceptance is the only way to truly fill that lonely hole in our hearts tricking us into thinking we need someone else to fill that void, to validate us, to make us feel like we’re enough…even on those days when all the balls come crashing down…only then can we start to heal the real cause of the pain we feel and truly begin loving ourselves.
How often do you ask for help? Why? Maybe you do ask for help in some areas but I bet there’s a lot of you out there that feel like you have to do it on your own. And we tell ourselves we have good reasons for that…we come up with all kinds of convincing stories as to why we can’t find good childcare or why we can’t afford a house cleaner or why we can’t just ask for help…why we’re not worthy of other people’s time and energy.
Oh, but we are worthy. You are worthy!
When we surrender to accepting where we are without judgement…with love for all of the amazing things we do every day…when we can start to develop a real relationship with ourselves and we’re not trying to prove our worthiness to anyone else (especially to ourselves!) then, THEN things start to feel less heavy…more fun. We start connecting with all of the other amazing people around us as we’re all doing life together and we start feeling less alone. We connect. Connection is a biological human need and yet it terrifies many of us (myself included). Surface connections are one thing but those deep one’s are hard for many of us and if that is true for you then start with the connection you have with yourself. Meditate (great way to start connecting to your inner self and wisdom), journal, try mirror work (say nice things to yourself in the mirror), get a coach (ahem), explore the relationship you have with yourself and the walls you put up to keep others out. You deserve your love. And when you love yourself it’s so much more fun to connect with everyone else!
Life is so much better when we do it together!
Extreme self-care challenge starting May 6th
Don’t let the word Extreme scare you; this self-care challenge is probably not what you’d expect! Learn the rich benefits of reconnecting and caring for yourself as well as the cost of not putting yourself first. Sign up to get all of the incredible value through e-mail, participate as much or as little as you want and still get great transformational value. Also, join my private Facebook Community Transformation with Kara for even more support and daily FB Lives to keep you inspired throughout the challenge!
Click HERE if you’d like to register.