Breaking my Silence
Around last October, I mostly disappeared from social media. My healing journey had been dragging me through some pretty dense energies since my birthday at the end of April (which coincided with a New Moon eclipse) and it had finally reached a point where I needed to focus all of my energy and intention, only on what was right in front of me.
Things got real and I needed to be all in. I knew the only way out, was through, and I had reached the eye of the needle of this particular purging cycle and it took everything I had just to get through each day.
I am ready to break my silence; however, and I want to share with you all where I have been and what I have been through, because I think it matters and many of you may be able to relate to some or all of my story.
I’m going to begin with a journal entry from June, 2022…one month into my 8 month long, dark-night-of-the-soul. Here goes…
“It’s been over a month now…
Over a month since I’ve felt like myself.
And even then “feeling like myself “ didn’t really feel like myself.
As the energies have shifted us into higher states of consciousness…many of us may find ourselves in the elusive dimensions between reality and more of a dream-like state. Sometimes I love it…sometimes I miss the trustworthy grounded-ness of my past selves…even if they were rooted in old programming and an ignorance of a bigger truth…
That old ignorance is bliss thing.
It’s hard to be a leader, teacher and mentor when your so deep in your own process that you can’t connect with anyone or anything. That’s what it feels like…floating along, moment to moment…forcing myself to do all the normal things.
A Dr would probably say I have depression and sometimes it surely does feel that way.
But it’s so much more than that…or maybe it’s exactly that but our concept of depression is really so limited.
For me it’s the acute awareness that I am not my Human form…it’s a soul deep remembrance that there is so much more to “life” and that before I came here I could create so much easier and faster and with greater knowledge and wisdom…this awareness makes me feel so limited and sometimes I have been guilty of seeing this unconscious knowing as meaning that something is wrong with me.
But nothing is wrong with me (or the World really as it is what it is and that is just a co-creation of all the beings upon it) but it’s been over a month now…of slipping further and further into the dark hole that is my shadow self and losing my grip on the thread that can bring me back home.
I sure as hell hope I know what I’m doing here.”
Kara
Little did I know then, that I would continue on that downward journey into my shadow self for another 7 months, visiting some of the darkest recesses of my mind, heart and soul.
And this is where we can talk about mental health or how society perceives being “productive” or “successful” as well as how so many of us are just buried beneath a massive weight of judgment, self criticism and comparison…regardless of how much “work” we do to be conscious of that and do our work around it.
We are trying to de-layer LIFETIMES of trauma. That is the “work” we came here to do…and yet society expects us to also be contributing members of society…yet our contributions are often invisible to those that do not understand.
And so here’s where we also have to distinguish from those that are actually here with the soul purpose of doing this work vs those who are here to simply have a human experience. Yes we need more and more to awaken to affect change…but not everyone feels like they’re dying inside if they’re not actively working to raise their own vibration by digging deep into the traumas and programming lodged in our energetic field and DNA. And that’s ok.
But, that was where I found myself…sink or swim…suffer knowing that I needed to go deeper but ignoring that calling or suffer by actually going deeper…
(And I only say “suffer” because that’s how it felt to me…at least at first)
And here’s where we often mishandle the mentally and emotionally wary…those that fall into depression, anxiety, mental illness and even dis-ease as it all stems from an energetic imbalance at the core…
But that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with us…if we feel it…then it simply means that we are awakened enough to gain conscious awareness of the dissonance between who we feel like we are in this human life and who we truly are as a Soul and beyond.
But don’t stop there…we become aware of it and then…if we’re active in the “Spiritual Community” then we’re slammed with the advice (and unconscious knowing) that we are the creators of our reality…so often we make that to mean that it’s our own fault we feel this way.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place.
So, what do we do? We immediately try to start pulling ourselves out. Use our tools. Change our thoughts. Perhaps judge any negative feelings coming up and then feeling worse if we can’t seem to get it together in an “appropriate” amount of time.
I’ve been here. I’ve done this. Sometimes it’s the right thing to do and sometimes it’s enough.
This wasn’t one of those times for me. So what did I do instead?
I went deeper.
I decided that I had gone this far…I might as well go all the way.
And that was 8 long months ago…feels like it was both an eternity and just yesterday.
So, I realize by now that people may be wondering…did something happen?
Did I lose a loved one?
Did my marriage crumble?
Did I discover some type of health issue?
No, thankfully, and my heart goes out to those that are experiencing any kind of real-life situation that may have brought them to their knees…because these are the kinds of things that are happening all over the world…they are challenging and tragic and also the journey through these kind of experiences can certainly lead to transformations and a re-birth of self.
But, no…if anything initiated it at all it was that damn eclipse on my mother fkg birthday (I joke, but yeah…that’s when it all started)
In 3D terms…I wasn’t where I thought I “should” be, my life didn’t look the way I thought it “should” look and to be quite honest…yeah…there were some fkd up things going on at home. My home and my family felt toxic at times…but I was consciously aware enough to know that I couldn’t keep pushing all the blame on them…see this is where that inner knowing can sometimes just feel cruel and pointless all at the same time.
? You create your reality…yeah I know
? Your life is a reflection of whatever is vibrating within you…ok got it
? Love is always the answer…ummm…even when I want to run away or strangle the people I live with??
? You are a powerful gifted Soul…so why do I feel so powerless?
? We are here to reclaim our truth and sovereignty…so why do I always feel like a victim?
The truth was…I simply couldn’t continue talking the talk until I REALLY started walking the walk.
And the moment that I decided to stop fighting myself was the moment the darkness came over me and I plunged into the comfort of an old friend…depression. I fought it for a few months…
I kept saying I was fine…but I was not fine.
I couldn’t feel my guides…I hated everything about my life…I just wanted to crawl out of my skin or just disappear. My home felt toxic. I wanted to run away. But something told me that I was needed here…as painful as it was I needed to bring all of my energy back home and heal this space…the most intimate space, where I spend most of my time.
I had to put my service work on hold, roll up my sleeves and dig deep…all while feeling completely hopeless and powerless…like a failure and questioning every word I ever shared as a spiritual teacher and mentor. All while surrendering to my shadows and the depression. I let that be ok. I couldn’t fight my way to the surface any longer and it was time to simply let go and sink into the darkest depths of my reality and stop resisting the healing that needed to take place.
There was one particular week where everything came to a head…
My oldest was diagnosed with celiac, my daughter broke her collarbone (which was devastating for her as it meant no club soccer which we had just joined and no volleyball season which she loves), my oldest was also refusing to go to school and he and my husband were having horrible fights, I found out one of my children was cutting and my other daughter had a complete meltdown tantrum after school…and alllll of this was witnessed by my mom because she was at our home all week painting the girls bedrooms. The way it made me feel that she saw all of that was a wake up call to how much of my life I try to “keep under wraps” how much I try to ignore and sweep under the rug. It felt like it was all happening to me and around me and I was just trying to help and save everyone.
Something snapped and I think I broke in two. One part of me decide to stay and one part decided to go. I chose to release my own judgment of how fkd up we might look to the outside world. It didn’t matter. This was my family. And in that moment I knew that I had to pull myself together and choose to be here or not (like BE here, present, conscious and aware of how I was really showing up in my life and I did this with more love and compassion for myself then I think I’ve ever felt before…all because I chose to accept the darkness I had found myself in…by this point I had embraced that part of my journey and I was no longer fighting with myself to be more than I could be in each moment)
During this time, I came face to face with parts of myself I had been hiding for a long time. Parts that felt just gross and yucky and so uncomfortable to see.
And parts that still hurt very much deep in the cracks of my energy field.
I am still not100% but I’ve stopped wondering if I’ll ever feel like “myself” again, because that would mean going back to who I was…and I truly believe that parts of her are gone (well, more like integrated into who I am now…a great convo for another day!) but I can tell I still have some more integrating to do and as I share my story more pieces fall into place.
My ability to have compassion for myself in my darkest moments is the key that has unlocked the door to my next level self. Allowing myself to sit with my demons and allow them the space to be seen and heard and felt (and that is very painful indeed) is what has brought me to a new level of being where I am more whole and integrated.
Some things we clear, yes…but mostly it’s just acceptance of all of the parts of ourselves so that we can reclaim any fragmented aspects that were created anytime we had an experience or were taught something that was not in alignment with our highest truth. (That we are all aspects of God and therefore perfect and divine by nature).
That week that I spoke of…it did something to my nervous system. Like I said it was a wake up call and yet…nothing really changed, not right away.
But I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I stopped hoping for things to “just get better”, I decided that week that I had to put it all on the line and even though I was still feeling so lost and numb and confused by this entire “phase” I had been in…I knew that I just needed to put my head down and keep. going.
Somewhere between the Solstice and the New Year I felt a significant shift.
Like something started clicking into place and the heaviness that had been plaguing me started to lift. I was hesitant at first to believe that this new feeling would stay…waiting for the density to swoop back in and overwhelm me again but I simply couldn’t deny it…
Something just felt different.
And I started to believe and know and trust…
I was emerging from the cocoon and it felt glorious.
I felt strong and clear and hopeful…
I felt very strange too…like looking back on who I was and not even able to recognize her at first…
Was that really me?
Did I really do all those things?
And I am slowly feeling more grounded and centered as settle in and embody more of my higher self after 8 months of the most challenging and painful purging experience that I have had up until now.
If you’ve read this far then thank you for baring witness to my journey. I am so full of gratitude for the experience (but admittedly, I wouldn’t want to do it again and I’m so glad to be on the other side now) (and yeah, I know, there’s probably more purging to come…but let me just revel in this space for a time)
It is my intention that by sharing my experience I may shed some light on your own as I believe that many of the sensitive who came with a seemingly impossible mission in a vastly distorted reality with little to no remembrance of who we truly are and what we’re capable of…as well as lifetimes of density to sort through before that knowing-ness can return for good are doing some incredibly powerful work…simply by showing up and owning their patterns, owning their behaviors, owning the energies that still vibrate within us that we came here to heal.
We no longer have the option to look away. They just keep slapping us in the face. And even if we know how to “do the work” it’s still painful. It’s still hard. It still fucking sucks some days. But, you are not alone and I see you. I see the work you do. Sometimes just by being here. Somedays, that is enough.
Much Love,
Kara